Reenie's Ramblings

"I am strong.  I endure.  I overcome. "Anxiety Issues" do not apply to me!" I had misconceptions about the word "anxiety". It's true, it can mean simply worrying about things beyond one's control. But extreme anxiety as a response to trauma or stress, is so much more than that. As a person who has prided herself on perseverance and being strong, my first anxiety attack caught me off guard and stung my pride... a lot. I had just gone through an extremely difficult and emotionally traumatic experience, so not sleeping made sense to me. The pain in my chest, inability to breathe, and numbness didn't make sense to me. I had a few of them in the days following the experience, but eventually they went away. A few years passed and I felt I had left that all behind me. I truly thought it would be an isolated experience due to the trauma. I was wrong. Recently, after growing stress from my job, and let's face it, the year 2020, I felt my ability t...

 Do we automatically assume the worst? When you see a family gathering, during a pandemic, do you automatically assume they don't care about the health of others? As a teacher, when a student completely fails a test, do you automatically assume the student didn't try? If you see someone who has gained a lot of weight, do you automatically assume they are "letting themselves go" or that they are eating too much and being lazy? If someone interrupts a lot, do you automatically assume they are rude? What if instead, we realized two things: 1. It's usually not our business anyway, so why assume anything; and 2. Most of the time, our assumptions are wrong. The family gathering from multiple destinations all got tested before they gathered. The student who failed the test was too afraid to ask for help with the concepts and simply didn't get it. The person who has gained a lot of weight has a major health issue going on that causes immense swelling and inflammation....

  You’ve already done it twice. You worked hard, did your best and you still don’t understand it. You have to try again even though you’re discouraged and feel overwhelmed and alone. You try again. You barely pass. You feel relief for just a moment, happy to finally have passed. Then you see what is left to do.  You feel like quitting.  You take a deep breath, start the next portion of what is required, and the internet drops.   Tears fill the corners of your eyes. This happens over and over again. You are a remote learning student during 2020.  No fun with your friends, no extracurricular or after school programs. Your parents are frustrated, your teachers are frustrated, you feel like you are letting everyone down and wonder “what’s the point?”.  As soon as you get the routine down, think you have it figured out, your teacher sends you correspondence after you’ve completed your work and have logged off and don’t see it until the following day. Now that ...

 Some years ago, a close friend of mine lost her husband in a tragic accident. I was able to fly down and be with her during the planning for the funeral, and a few days afterward. A while after I had been back home, it was laid on my heart to send her some "just thinking of you" flowers. When I picked the delivery date, it was the earliest option available.  When she received them, she let me know right away how touched she was I remembered it was his birthday. My heart stopped for a second. I hadn't remembered his birthday.  I am embarrassed to admit, I had never really known his birthday, facebook had always reminded me. I truly didn't know. I had been moved to send flowers and I did it. It ended up being delivered on a meaningful day. How often are we prompted to do something in our hearts that doesn't seem to have a specific reason? I know it has happened to me several times. Often, it ends up being a moment like this one with the flowers.  Meaningful, and fo...