Staying Open

I just wanted to stare.

This face that was so familiar, but so new.

The face of someone I loved, but hadn't seen in person before.

A face I had seen via video calls, interviews and photos.

I wanted to listen to the voice, the one I had heard over the phone, in videos and zoom calls.

I wanted to be close, as close as possible to this person who shared DNA with me. This person who shared similar trauma, struggles and victories.

The strong draw to him, and the nerves surrounding this meaningful moment, caused a wave of emotion.

This face, this voice, this heart, they belonged to my brother.

A person I had dreamed about when I was a young girl.

A person I felt guilty for wishing for.

This meeting that we had wanted to coordinate for a few years, had finally happened and it was so brief, it still breaks my heart it wasn't longer.

I left that beautiful weekend replaying it all in my mind, revisiting previous correspondence and dreaming of future moments we would share.

I reflected on the desire I had had for a brother from a young age.

The realization hit me: I had started wishing for this person right around the time he first existed. Could it be that my subconscious knew he had been born?

I craved having a brother in my life and even formed a strong bond with some wonderful guys who were like brothers to me from a young age (and still are today).

I felt grief as I thought about the years we didn't get to have together, the lost opportunity to be a big sister. Just as soon as I started down that thought path, I reminded myself that I know without a doubt, everything happened as it should have.

I am filled with gratitude and hope for the future.

When I started this journey of biological family research and interactions, I thought I had a good idea of all that could happen. Truth is, I had no idea. I imagined a lot of scenarios and outcomes, but I never imagined the pain this road would lead to, nor could I have anticipated the healing it brought.

The vulnerability required to enter into these kinds of relationships often makes me feel like a helpless child. Reverting to the little girl seeking acceptance once again. Knowing full well, this other person has the power to hurt me, simply because I want them to be who I believe them to be and because I want them in my life.

I've been in this situation several times now and I don't know that being that vulnerable gets easier. I think it's harder actually, as history shows us how vulnerability can leave us exposed to pain.

If I had let fear dictate my choices though, I would have missed out on some beautiful and meaningful relationships I currently enjoy.

I hope that as time progresses, this beautiful human who happens to be my brother, will benefit from having me in his life. He took a risk being open to me as well. I am so grateful he did, and hope he feels like it was worth it.

I have learned so much about biological connections, genetic traits, rejections, trauma and healing from my own journey and from helping others find their own answers and connections. Even so, I realize I am still learning so much.

We are complex beings, with multi-faceted experiences that shape who we are.

Our stories are intertwined with the threads of family, circumstance, and the invisible forces that bind us together.

As much as I have come to understand the power of biology, I've also seen the strength of choice and the impact of love. Every encounter, every revelation, has been a reminder that the path to connection isn't always linear or predictable, but it is always meaningful.

I've learned that the pain of rejection or the weight of uncertainty doesn't define me; instead, it's the willingness to keep going, to keep reaching, that ultimately shapes the future.

Some people have said it is courageous to stay open to these connections, especially after the pain openness has brought in the past. I say yes, that might be true, but I choose to live with no regrets and sometimes taking the risk means entering into that which brings healing and joy.

May we all find the courage to remain open and vulnerable.

Comments

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