Emotions....powerful and confusing

I find I am completely overwhelmed by a vast range of emotions these days...

I'm confused, broken and sad.

Unfortunately, I wont be able to continue my spree of "not crying in public", something I have prided myself on for years... my ability to hold emotions in and keep them hidden and drowned out.

Don't let it show.... don't let yourself feel it. That's been my motto.

Due to recent tragic events and a combination of overwhelming kindness shown to me.... there has been this undoing. Its like a dam has broken and everything I've ever held in, or hidden is bursting through. Its overwhelming and hard to understand all the emotions as they come rushing through.

There are things from my past that have come to the surface that I never allowed myself to deal with... things I didn't fully grieve.... and all of the sudden, its like Im being forced to face, adjust and cry over many, many, things.

I have had body shaking sobs, wailing and unable to breathe moments every day this week.

I like to rationalize everything but not everything can be rationalized. I suppose I have learned that holding in everything hasn't been the smartest move... I thought it meant I was strong. I thought that I was choosing to be tough every day... actually... I think I've just been postponing the grief, sorrow, and pain.

Writing always helps me... somehow putting words out there helps.... although my impulsiveness to put words out there has ultimately caused me pain at times too, made me say things I shouldn't, things I regret.... Even so, this is my way, who I am.

For those of you who may stumble across and read this and see me over the next days, know that the tears you see upon my face have been a long time coming... it took a tragic loss to break the dam but I am hopeful this is going to be a healing thing in the long run.. there's certainly no turning back now.... its flowing freely... whether I understand it all or not.

The emotional storm I am in is all consuming, affecting my appetite, sleep and ability to function.... hoping it doesn't last long...

I appreciate so much those who have shared kindness towards me, who have tried to understand what Im going though and who are being oh so patient.... you are truly appreciated.

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