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Easier with time...


This week is always tough for me.
This is the week my Dad died.
Its hard to believe its been 5 years this Wednesday.

Exactly 5 years ago today, hospice told us Dad had approximately 3 days left to live. 
I remember that was when I lost it.  People had stopped by to visit Dad and I cried, and cried, and cried.  I never allowed myself to cry in front of people but there was no control of my emotions to be found in this moment. 

It turns out, hospice was exactly right, he died 3 days later, at home, peacefully surrounded by his family. 

The thing with losing someone you love in this way, you always think there is going to be a tomorrow.  When Dad first came home and started hospice, we were told he had about 6 months.... so I thought that's how long I would have my Dad. 

He died in 3.

No matter how much time you have to "get ready" for someone to leave you, you're never ready for them to be gone.

The loss is great, but the pain does lessen with time.

The first few months after his death, it was all I could think about. It was always on my mind... A few years pass and I think about him often but its not this constant thought. 

The pain does lessen and I am thankful for that.

These days I grieve more the loss for my children.  I have memories, pictures etc.  My kids don't even know who they are missing out on knowing.  My son, who was almost 3 when Dad died, remembers a little about PaPa Ken but he was so young, his memories are small.  I hate this.

My Dad would have been the grandpa who would patiently listen to their stories, take them fishing and shown them such gentle love, I hate that cancer stole this from my babies!

Grief is a funny thing that takes on many forms and faces... As a person who doesn't like to show emotion or admit the pain, it took a loss of another friend that finally break the dam last year and caused me to let it all out.  I am thankful for that "letting go" of emotions and anger, but it hurt... just as much as I was afraid it would.

How thankful I am for peace when it comes, and for those who have shown care to me on this journey called life.

Lets cherish one another, encourage one another, support one another..... Life is short, life is fleeting.

There have been times in the last 5 years where I have felt that maybe loving less people would leave less opportunities to feel this kind of loss and hurt. 
The truth is, life is more valuable and enjoyable when we have those we love to share it with.

So I will continue on loving, without limits, regardless of the prospect of loss.

Thanks for reading today!




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