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I'm not weak...

I was supposed to be leaving for Spain this Wednesday.
I planned this trip for almost a year, had it mostly paid for, including spending money.
We had food lover's tours in Madrid and Barcelona, a lovely 2 night stay with our dear friends in Cordoba...
A trip of fellowship, history, culture, great food, architecture...everything I love to experience when travelling, but we canceled it.
It's the right thing to do, and even though we have lost a good portion of our money doing it, I KNOW, it is the right thing to do.
The amount we got back is just enough to sneak our babies away to a warmer, relaxing place.
I cannot leave my kids right now and they can't handle us being gone either.
I hope this R&R will help reset things for us.
I need to not have crushing pain anymore.
I need to feel whole again and I need to MOVE ON!
I need to breathe.
I don't fully understand WHY my body has broken down over this incident, but I do know it's not isolated... This year has brought so much heartache and struggle beginning in January.
After recent days of "soul therapy", and with this upcoming trip with our babies to somewhere warm and quiet, I believe I see the light at the end of the tunnel.
I will heal.
I will overcome and I will go to Spain another year.
I am NOT weak.
I am NOT alone.
I am blessed.
I am thankful for those who have shared their moments of physical/emotional breakdown, because it has reminded me that this isn't a sign of weakness or failing at anything.
This is our body's way of telling us to take care of ourselves and to remind us we aren't invincible!
There ARE limits.
Thank you to those who have shared their stories with me, those who have just reminded me they love me, those who have made a gesture of kindness..... all these things give me strength to get up and brush this off.
Am I sad to miss out on a trip of a lifetime? Of course.
Do I regret cancelling it? No.
I look forward to making a few memories with my kids in the sun, relaxing, finding that reset button, and moving on.
This too shall pass.
I am SO thankful for hope set before me.
I am SO thankful for the understanding of those who love and care for me and my family.
The hardest part of recent events isn't what this has been to me personally, but how my hurt, hurts my children. They deserve to see mama straighten her shoulders and walk on.
They deserve a time to heal, and they deserve a moment to see their mama is ok.
Before this year, I had heard that a broken heart can manifest in a physically painful way.
I hadn't ever experienced it quite like this before, but I can now attest that is is most certainly true.
The physical ways my body has been affected is a bit startling.
Actual excruciating pain that convinced me I was having a heart attack and several instances of inability to breathe, aching body, numbness and acne are just some. But I'm on the mend.
My little thought for those struggling: don't hide it.

Don't pretend it's all under control.

Don't be ashamed of falling apart.

It's when we assume no one else has struggles like we do that we are harder on ourselves than needed.
It is incredible to walk through a storm and feel like others have survived similar storms before you.

Carry on.
There is hope ahead.
I will patiently continue.


Comments

  1. Rebekah HamonOctober 2, 2017 at 8:53 PM

    You are so right to do what is best for your kids. You are a good good mom. <3

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ReenieOctober 3, 2017 at 8:11 AM

      Thank you. Not sure how great I am at being a mama, but I sure love my children fiercely.

      Delete

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