One really long blog post

I have had multiple say it is difficult to read my story as you have to go out of order for each blog post.

I have copied and pasted each blog from my adoptions story and am posting them in one long blog.

There may come a day soon when I get my whole story written, but that day is not today.

FINDING MY BIRTH MOM PART 1:

I've always known I was adopted. 
I am so thankful for this because it saved me from a lot of struggle throughout my childhood.  
I will forever be grateful to my parents for being up front about that.

Here's my little story.  
My parents were told they couldn't have children so they started an adoption journey.
They were given the call about a baby girl a few months later and they had a daughter.  
A few months after that, they discovered my mom was pregnant with my sister.  
My sister and I are 14 months apart.

Throughout the last years, I've attempted to find my birth mother.

Posting on every message board, reuniting board, adoption search page, I could find.

Contacting the attorney who handled my adoption.

Contacting the person who matched my parents with me.

Oklahoma birth records are sealed and it would take a court order to open.  
For a long time, I didn't have the resources to pursue that way.  
So I would search everything  I could find...

I hit a lot of dead ends.

People who knew about my journey would ask my reason why.  
Why did I want to know? 
In all honesty, the answer would vary.  
It depended on when I was being asked.  
The reasons were different at different stages of life.  
There are a million reasons why I wanted to find this part of me.... some were selfish, some were selfless, some were easily explained, some impossible to put into words.

This desire would ebb and flow, at times so intense I couldn't get it out of my mind, then other times when I didn't give it much thought at all.

Once, I was contacted by a TV show to help me search for my birth mother.  That one was incredibly tempting as I knew they had the resources to make it happen!  
I thought about it for a while, tempted, but knew in my heart it was not the right way to go about it.  I am thankful today that I let that one pass.

Then, I found out about this judge in Oklahoma City that was granting people the court order for their original birth certificate.  This would be huge!  I could have her name and actually be able to search more effectively!  I just needed to purchase a plane ticket, rent a car, take time off work and pay the $40 fee.  This one was thought about for a long time. Lots of discussion with my husband and also with a friend of mine that had been through the experience of finding biological family. 
My husband was strongly encouraging me to go for it.  He kept telling me that I shouldn't worry about the money at all and just do it.  He knew how long I had thought about it and how badly I wanted this to happen.  There was something in me holding me back though.. Part of it was fear, but another part was something I couldn't put my finger on.  
I now understand why, but I didn't know then.  This was a "fall back" option though, that I filed away in my mind.

I have always wondered what my genetic heritage was.  My husband encouraged me to take the DNA test from Ancestry to find out.  I was so thrilled to learn what my genetic make up was and to see that there were familial links to other people!  I hoped that it would lead to my biological mother.  Every day I would log on to see what new matches had been found for me!  In a matter of a few months, all of the sudden, there it was.  
My Birth mother was on there!

This was the right way to find her. No more dead ends.  It wasn't a find that was unsure, it was fact. DNA doesn't lie. My searching for WHO she was, was over.  But now a whole new chapter in my journey began.

I thought searching for her was hard...... that was just time and effort... this next chapter was a whole different story.

REACHING OUT

Due to a DNA matching, I recently found out who my biological mother is.

When you search for someone over the course of years and finally find them..... it takes some time to absorb.

When you dream of, and imagine, a million different scenarios and possibilities of a very specific moment, and it finally arrives.... there is this array of emotions. 
Impossible to put into words.

At this moment, I had a name.  
After some research, I had a face.  
After lots to searching, I had an address.

Now, the reaching out takes place.

With shaking hands, I hit the keyboard.  
What to say?  How to start?  What to leave out?  HOW to word it? 
 How to be honest with what you want/need and yet considerate of what she might need/want.

I am not a person who cries a lot.  I am emotional and feel things deeply, but actual tears don't fall terribly easily.  I am very good at holding that part in.  But as I tried to navigate through my thoughts and emotions and expectations as I wrote a letter to the woman who gave me life, tears were welling up in my eyes.

I impulsively wrote out what came from my heart in that moment, and dropped it in the mail the next day.

Here's my mind set over the next days.

Day One:  Intense joy and excitement.  I have FOUND her!  What I've been able to find out about her so far makes me anxious to know her even more as she seems to be an amazing woman. I look a little like her! So, so thankful for this.  I start sharing with close friends that I've found her.  I am almost giddy with excitement.

Day Two: Nervous.  I shouldn't have sent it so impulsively.  What if that address is wrong?  What if she doesn't open it and someone else does and they didn't know I existed before reading the letter? What if I worded the letter incorrectly?  
Thinking I should have added that.... oh man!  I shouldn't have said that part.

Day Three: Peace.  What's done is done.  You know in your heart you are supposed to reach out to her. What will be, will be.

Day Four:  Heartache.  The letter could possibly be there.  All of the sudden, the thought reaches me..... What if she doesn't respond?  What if she wants nothing to do with me? 
Up until this moment, I have NEVER thought of this possibility.  
In all the scenarios I've ever imagined, even the worst case scenarios, this wasn't one of the things I imagined.  Now, there are real tears.  Up until this moment, I didn't realize how badly I wanted a response.  How badly I wanted some form of relationship with my biological family.  The thought of her rejecting this, tears my heart up. I check my ancestry mailbox several times.  Nothing.  I check my email.  Nothing.

Day Five: Anxious.  The letter should really be there today.  Try to put yourself in her shoes.  How long would it take you to respond if you were her? What must she be feeling when she reads your words? Please, oh, please respond!  
I check my email every few hours.  I check my ancestry mailbox too.  
Nothing.  
Waiting might kill me.  
Breathe, Laureen.  You have so much to be thankful for and a beautiful family.... anything else is bonus.  Chill.  Easier said than done.  What if she just sends it back?  
Maybe she's been waiting for this day too and will feel so much joy that it's here.  
Boy, you're a dreamer. 
What if I actually didn't have the correct address? You mean I'll have to wait a full 4 more days for it to return? 
Did I portray in the letter enough that I am coming from a good place?  
Will she feel scared too?

Day Six: Hopeful.   Laureen, you put it out there, you opened yourself up.  Celebrate that part.  IF she responds, try to not expect too much.  Ha-ha!  Have we met?!  
I check my email. 
Nothing. 
Maybe it will take a few days to process for her. If she's like me, she won't be able to wait a long time either.  I check my email again.  
Nothing.  
Peace.  You know you are supposed to do this.... how it plays out, is how it will play out. It's okay to feel the feelings, but let it rest in the hands of the One in control. 
I check my email again.  
My heart stops.  
I have one email.... from her.
I can't even open for a few seconds.
I just stare at it.  
There's no turning back now.

Through the hills and valleys of my search for my biological mother, I tried to mentally prepare myself for anything.

As it is with things of this nature, that is impossible to do.  You can't possibly know all the feelings that will take charge, hit you from nowhere, without warning.  
You can't anticipate the vulnerability you will experience or the parts of yourself you will have to remove the protective walls from.

I've learned some things about myself throughout this journey I wouldn't have known otherwise.

When I saw I had received an email from her... I couldn't even open it right away.  
I had been anxiously awaiting a response, checking every chance I could to see if anything had come through.

There it was.

Just seeing it brought a wave of emotions.

There was fear..... what if she's responding just to say leave her alone?

There was hope..... what if she's overjoyed as she's been waiting for this?

There was gratitude.... Responding at all meant she cared, at least on some level.

There was validation..... The fact that she responded the day after receiving my letter somehow made the whole journey validated.

There was peace..... I knew in my heart I was supposed to do this. 
Even though much was still unknown, I felt a sense of peace.

There was humility.... I felt so small in that moment.  
This was bigger than me.  I was humbled by the fact she responded.

Big breath.

My impatient nature reared it's head and I couldn't wait another second.

I opened the email and started reading.

I read it.

I read it again.  
I couldn't swallow and my eyes were rimmed with tears.  
I was in a place surrounded by people and reading this from my phone.  
I felt so lonely and yet so grateful to be alone. There were many people around and yet I was completely unaware of anything that was going on around me or conversations that were happening.  It was just me and her words.

It's interesting.  There are things you expect from a moment like this that you didn't realize you expected until the moment is there and it doesn't meet the expectation or exceeds the expectation.

The piece of her heart and her story she shared with me exceeded my expectations for the most part. Some of what she said, hurt me deeply. Overall, I was moved by how kind she was.... how considerate she seemed to be of my feelings. How gracious she seemed to be and how huge this must be for her too.

I now move forward with so much hope.  
I am cautiously optimistic for how this plays out.

Cautious, because my heart is just out there.. open and vulnerable.... I don't like to be in that position but that's what this experience is requiring of me.

Optimistic, because I know in my heart this is what I'm supposed to pursue.

Cautious because there are so many variables and unknowns ahead of me.

Out of respect to her, I will not be sharing who she is.  
I will be sharing my journey through this, what parts I can share.

I thank you all so much for the love, encouragement and support along this journey thus far.

I am so thankful for the day someone talked me into starting a blog.... it has been such a gift.

DISCOVERY

I embarked on a journey that has become a journey of Discovery.

Discovery about my own strength, my own insecurities, my true supporters, my solid friends and my heritage. 
Discovery of truth about my adoption story and some healing that came with that.

To say that this has all been easy would be a lie.  
To say that it's been awful would also be a lie.

Overall, it has been mostly positive so far.  
I'm thankful I followed the promptings of my heart and took the leap of faith and reached out.

Am I apprehensive about certain parts still?  Absolutely!  
I have gone through a lot of difficult and emotional experiences all within a short time span and feel especially vulnerable.  I strongly dislike being vulnerable and yet, believe it is exactly the condition I need to be in for this particular experience.

Since I last blogged about this, I have exchanged a few emails with my Biological Mother.

I have learned about health history of my biological family. This discovery has been helpful.

I have learned her story about how I came to be and the birth story. 
This discovery has brought healing I didn't know I needed.

Growing up, I clung to the few details I knew about my birth story.  Through this journey, I have learned some of the details I were told weren't 100% accurate. (This is to be expected in any adoption story as a lot of the information passed to parents is 3rd hand.)  I wept when I read my birth story from her point of view.  Those who are close to me know that I don't cry easily.

I have been given some glimpses into the personality and life of my biological grandparents.  This discovery has just brought joy.  While they have all passed on and I can never meet them, I am grateful for the bits and pieces I have been able to learn about them. Each little story about them just puts a smile on my face.

With each email I receive from her, I get to know a little more about her.   
As she receives emails from me, she gets to know more about me.  
I found that in the beginning, I desperately wanted her to know she could trust me.  I wanted the words I used to be sincere and true, yet sensitive to how she might receive them.  
I wanted her to like me.

As the days have gone on, I find I also want to know that I can trust her, believe everything she says.  
I felt an instant care for her when I first found out who she was and that care intensified when she responded.   
I found later, I felt a need for caution.  I need to protect her feelings, but mine deserve protecting too. 

Each new thing I discover about my biological mother brings an array of responses/emotions.

Some of what I learn of her, sounds like me.

Some of what I learn of her makes me want to know more.

Some of what I learn makes me afraid and mistrusting.

It's crazy how putting yourself out there like this, is like opening up the potential for heartache. Not just for me, but for my family too.  While this is a mostly individual experience for myself and my birth mom, our families are also affected by this.

To think that it's possible there could be hurt because of this, and the fact it could hurt our families, is scary. 
I believe from what little I've learned so far, this won't happen in any large degree, but I also want to be realistic and know that while I don't try to have expectations, I could still potentially be disappointed, just as she could be.  
I don't anticipate that necessarily, just have been trying to keep it in mind in a hopes of being realistic.

The next step is a conversation over the phone.  We are planning that soon.  
While I am looking forward to this, I am also nervous. I think that hearing her voice might be an emotional experience and yet, I know it will be wonderful to be able to speak freely without the loss of intention/meaning typed words can sometimes have.

We have already planned a time to meet face to face.  It is scheduled and booked. 
As this is a moment I have dreamed of, I feel a lot of things as I look forward to that upcoming date.  I feel excited, nervous, afraid, elated, cautious and oh, so vulnerable!

I know this doesn't give all the information some of you are hungry for, but I must respect her identity and her heart, as what she has shared with me in part, is for me only.

This blog is about my thoughts, feelings, experiences.  
I can only share what I feel, think and desire along the way.

MEETING

Well the face to face meeting is set.

Scheduled, booked, planned and upcoming.

In some ways, the fact that I have been over the top busy the last few weeks is a good thing. I haven't had a ton of time to dwell on this upcoming meeting.

That is until this week.

I know in my heart this is what I was supposed to do. Pursue and learn this part of me. 
I feel a sense of peace about it.
I don't know what the future brings, but I know I am supposed to pursue this.

The Day Before Meeting Her

Nerves have started.

I am so weary and exhausted already because of so many things that have happened recently in my life. This makes me feel weaker to face this upcoming experience, but the timing was decided and is done.

The Day of

While there is a calm and peace about this happening, butterflies have started.  I spend the day at a training for work and while I try to focus on each word that is being spoken, I find my mind drifting a bit off and on. 

To say I am worried about it wouldn't be the right word. 

Nervous. 

Cautious. 

Hopeful.

Those would be more accurate.

As the time we are to meet up draws closer and closer, I feel more butterflies.  
I also feel a little relief, the waiting part is almost over.

I receive the text that my Bio Mom and Husband are ready to meet.

Brent and I head over, both of us nervous but slightly excited as well.

Here goes.......

DREAM vs REALITY

Since a small child, I have dreamed of the day I would meet my biological mother.

Sometimes, my little romantic mind would dream of this blissful, tear-filled reunion with hugs and tears of joy and an acceptance into a second family.

Sometimes I would dream of this instant understanding to questions I didn't know how to ask, answered by simply meeting this piece of who I am.

Sometimes I would imagine feeling this strong bond/connection by simply being in the same room together.

These are just some of the things I would imagine as a young girl and teen from the romantic/dreamer part of me.

As an adult, when searching for her was laid on my heart periodically, I would try and imagine all the scenarios, good and bad.

Finding out who she was only to discover I was too late and she had passed away.

Finding out that giving me up for adoption had caused her life to spiral into a cycle of bad habits, life altering addictions and a sad existence.

I tried to consider the possibility of reaching out to her only to have her reject me immediately.

I considered meeting her, disliking her and her loving me, making this awkward season of trying to keep separation.

I thought of the possibility of meeting her only to love her and have her not feel the same back.

The number of scenarios I imagined are too many to list, but there were a lot.

Dream vs Reality

Brent and I had agreed that we would follow her lead.

We accepted her timeline, her location and her plan for our meeting. 

When we walked in the room, we followed her indication of whether or not there would be a hug or handshake.  Here's where a dream vs reality took place. 

While I already felt I knew her in a way, and felt a care towards her, she felt cautious.  
It was a handshake to start the meeting.  This was fine with me, didn't hurt my feelings or anything like that, but was a difference from what is imagined versus what is real.

Leading up to the meeting, I had anticipated that hearing her voice and being in the same space as her would be an emotional thing.  It wasn't.  While I found her voice soothing in a way and almost familiar, it didn't cause any waterworks.  This was different than imagined. 

I had braced myself for the possibility that her mannerisms would be similar to mine. While in some photos, we have a strong resemblance, in person, it wasn't as strong. (At least to me or Brent.) There were times throughout the conversation though, where the way she said something, reacted to something or facial expressions she made, shook me because they were exactly how I would've done them, in similar situations. I found myself watching her, looking for similarities.

As we moved from basic conversation (ice breakers) onto more personal things, I found, much to my surprise, that I was simply numb.  I was almost timid and very quiet as this all unfolded.  This is not me normally but was how I was in this moment.  This annoys me now, but is probably the way it was supposed to be.  
Again, I came into this meeting already tired and a bit weary from so much that had happened prior to this, so I know that plays a large part in it, but this "numb" feeling will be mentioned later as well.  

An unexpected surprised was the intense care I felt for her husband.  
Brent instantly liked him as well..... 

Over our dinner together, we laughed, we shared, we learned about each other.  
Overall it was pleasant and when we parted for the night, it felt mostly positive.  
They gave me some pictures of my grandparents, my birth mom as a child, and some of her siblings when they were kids. I appreciate this so much.

When we got back to our hotel, I felt drained.  
This didn't make a lot of sense because I hadn't been overly emotional, or anything like that, but I felt exhausted.  
When it was time to go to bed, it took a long time to go to sleep, even though I was beyond tired.

I ended the first evening and initial meeting with my Birth Mom and her husband feeling drained but thankful. The handful of people who knew it was taking place, had texted me and I simply replied "Went great. Looking forward to tomorrow".

THE GIFTS

After the initial meeting and conversation with my Bio Mom and her Husband, we met again to spend a majority of the following day together.

This day didn't start as smoothly as the first, in fact there was unexpected hurtful words and a few tears, but there were still so many parts of the day that were like little gifts for me to open.

Throughout this period of time of getting to know one another, I was able to see glimpses into the life of my bio grandparents and mom.  This is a gift I treasure.

I was able to learn of some of the hardships that were overcome by previous generations and present ones.  A gift.

I heard tales of tragedy, redemption and growth.  A gift.

It's like I was taken on a little journey of continued discovery about the threads that make up part of the fabric that I am, that my Bio Mom is, and where some of our strength to endure comes from.

Even as she would tell stories about her parents and grandparents, hearing her tell them, gave me more clarity on who she is as well. How she remembers things, how she feels about them today and how she reacted tells me a lot about her character, personality and heart. A gift.

The photos she gave to me. A gift.

Being able to witness the love her and her husband so obviously feel for each other. A gift.

Hearing of those who prayed about me my whole life. A gift.

At the start of this experience, before I ever heard back from her, I had a very long list of questions. Throughout our communications via email, and then conversations in person, that list became irrelevant. A gift.

Being able to see specific things that would be incredible between us if a relationship continued, was a gift.

Some things as simple as sharing similar humor, world views, dreams and so on, were nice to discover. A gift.

Realizing as I was leaving to head home, "I am completely fine if that's it", "I'm going to be okay either way".  I had always thought this, felt/hoped for this. 
Hoping for this, that's one thing.

Knowing it in your core, a whole differing thing.  True Gift.

I hadn't realized how vulnerable I was in this until I had this clarity, it was almost a relief to realize this. How horrible it would be to leave feeling desperate for more contact, like a relationship with her would fill some void in me, and then have it not happen.

I realized as we drove home that I am fine without her.  
This doesn't mean I don't want to continue a relationship, just that I don't NEED it to be complete or whole somehow.  
My fellow adoptees might understand the magnitude of what this means for me. It's hard to explain.

When I say I know I will be OK if nothing further comes from it, does not mean it wouldn't hurt DEEPLY for a season.  It would be a rejection again.  
I was given this overwhelming sense of peace and thankfulness that what I have in my life already is pretty incredible.  My next blog post is about this in more depth.

If nothing further happened, it would be a rejection which of course would hurt feelings, but it is a gift to be given the revelation that it wouldn't break me or take anything away from what I have and who I am. A gift.

This picture is taken a few years ago on an ancient road in Rome. 

I feel like this is a long walk I've been on, but now I'm at a resting place with an unclear

destination but a clear path to continue. Thankful for the rest and contentment here.

I went into this experience trying to mentally prepare myself for the possibility of there being a lot of tears and overwhelming emotion.

When we met, there were some things that caught me off guard and surprised me.

I felt positive that I would feel intense emotion when I heard her voice. I didn't.

While I am not a crier usually, the steps leading up to the meeting had brought strong emotions and actual tears, so in my mind, it made sense that meeting her in person would bring this same level of emotion or even stronger emotion.  
It didn't.   
I felt numb.  
The emotions I did feel, were dulled somehow.

Even now, as it is a few days after the meeting is over, I still feel that a part of me is numb.  Some would say this is just how my body/mind/heart is working through it, but I don't know the answer.

The interesting thing is that the parts that have affected my heart deeply and caused an almost undoing, have been the friends and family who have been here after meeting her was over.

The people who showed up with a gesture of care, a word of kindness and the close friends who went all "mama bear" on my behalf over some of the things that had hurt me through this. This has meant so much and been a little overwhelming.

It is these moments that have helped me see that I am so blessed.   
To borrow a phrase from a lady in our community... I am feeling "beyond blessed".

EMOTIONS

Emotions are funny things.

Sometimes, they betray us.

Sometimes they reveal our true desires. 

Sometimes they confuse us.

Throughout the hours of being with my Birth Mom, I felt mostly numb..... but even through that, there were moments of joy, sorrow, peace, disappointment and hope.

As I am writing this tonight, I have felt in the last portion of the day that I have been "thawing".  This is the only way I know how to explain it. 

I've been numb, drained and exhausted... Now I feel it ebbing away.  There is this fear that a potential torrential rain of tears is impending.  I dread this as I hate crying.

I don't have anything to really feel sad about.  I didn't have any huge disappointment to make me emotional.  I didn't experience an overwhelming connection and promise of a future relationship to make me emotional.

So, while I have no reasoning for some of the things that are welling up within me, emotions are funny things and I am just riding the waves as they take me wherever I am to go.

Those of you who went "mama bear" know who you are and I need you to understand what your love and fierce protectiveness towards me means. You are a big reason why I am able to look ahead with confidence knowing that even if this doesn't have a "fairy tale" ending, you have my back and are here for me through it all.  You help me see the parts I need to see, celebrate the joys as they enfold, and shed tears with me so I am not alone in any sorrow.  You are so important and so appreciated.

To all who keep encouraging me to share this journey, thank you for investing in it and joining me as I navigate this uncharted territory. 

The other thing about emotions is that sometimes, they contradict each other.  
Sometimes you can feel peace about a choice and fear about it at the same time.  
I am experiencing this now.

Sometimes you can feel joy but pain too. 

When I write these blogs, I sit at the keyboard, start typing and then hit "publish".  
I rarely proofread and edit.... you are getting what I am feeling in this exact moment.  Raw. Unedited. Real.  
This also means it is sometimes scattered and written grammatically incorrect.  
But it's my heart.  

In this exact moment I find I wish I knew what she was thinking, working through.  That being said, I feel strongly that I need to be patient and simply wait.

There is still much to work through and decide how to process but I am taking it little bits at a time.

I MIGHT NOT BE OK

It was something so small, so insignificant really, but it hurt. A lot.

After I had met with my Birth Mom and her husband, I left feeling numb, but calm.  I felt confident that if this was all I got, meeting her and spending a little bit of time with her, it would be enough.

I wanted to meet the other family members, but felt that if it didn't happen, I would be ok.

Then the small, almost insignificant thing happened. I was crushed. 
The rejection and hurt I felt from a person was intense.

Why do I care?  Why did it hurt?  Clearly, I may not be as OK as I thought I was.

One thing I'm trying to realize, is that I have been hoping to be treated the way I would treat others. Not realistic.

I would never reject someone completely before getting to know them myself, but who knows what the other person has assumed, been told, is going through, or fears? I don't. The desire is to give the benefit of the doubt, and try to see from their perspective, but I find this isn't happening.

While I try to be logical and gracious through all of these hills and valleys, there are moments where it is a bit of a struggle.

Either way, I feel incredible support from my friends and family.  
So while I may not be as OK as I had originally thought, I will be. 
In time. (with some possible hugs/hand-holding needed along the way.)

THE CHILD WITHIN

Life is funny.

There are moments that cause us to revert back to a small child.

That vulnerable place.

That powerless place.

I have been an independent and a "power through" person for most of my life, so when these moments happen, they catch me off guard.

Throughout the journey of finding my birth mom and reaching out and contacting her, I look back now and realize that is what I reverted to.  
Yes, I was communicating as a woman, with enough experience to rationalize some things and work through them, but I was SO vulnerable.

The best way to explain it is like being 2 people at once.

The grown woman wanting to reach out and communicate with another grown woman.

The small, vulnerable child, easily hurt and hungry for acceptance and love.

These two parts didn't always mesh.

Throughout our correspondence and the initial meeting, I felt numb and passive. 
I've mentioned this in previous blogs and to those I've told my story to.  
Because I am not normally this way in person, it frustrated me, but later I realized it was probably the best approach for this emotionally charged meeting.

Now that some time has passed, I look back and realize that a part of me was that small, vulnerable child, meeting this person who gave her life and who she had thought about and dreamed about her whole life.  This small child was meeting the person who gave her to another family out of what she felt was best for the child.

At this point, I realize that the woman part of me needs a voice.

The woman part has stood up and the small, vulnerable child has had to sit down.

Up until this point, I had responded with the words of a woman but the heart of a child. That child within will always be there, and is an important part, but the woman, is who I am.

Deserving of a voice.

Deserving of respect.

Even though I know this, am aware of it, I still have to allow the child to grieve when needed, and be elated when needed.

The interesting thing for me has been, while I have never felt anger or resentment at being adopted, there is a feeling of rejection that the inner child feels.

I never thought of my story as one of rejection, I believe I was raised in the family I was supposed to, but somehow, that small child within subconsciously feels that.

The child had no part in the life she lived, where, who and how. 
She was helpless, vulnerable and without choice. 
While this is true for any child, adopted or otherwise, the fact that there were multiple life paths that could have been, creates a whole different thought and emotion train. The fact that life began with being given away, rejected, discarded, is different.
That part of me is something unexpected to discover and something I don't particularly like.

While there are many things that I have felt through this process, and many things I have discovered, I am so thankful the meeting happened.

I know that with time, healing and growth will come. 
I know that the things I have felt and continue to feel are very real and important, but I also realize that there are a lot of things about this chapter in life that aren't a big deal.

Having an ongoing relationship with my biological mother isn't a huge deal in the way of changing my family dynamic.  It is still going to be emotional at times I am sure, this can't be helped. Hopefully getting to know me, the grown woman and the child within, will enrich her life or at least be something that can bring a smile to her face.

I know that as this relationship continues, there will be healing and letting go.  The inner child will feel the things she feels and the grown woman will stand tall and carry on.

I had thought the door had closed on a future relationship with my biological family.

It seems it may not yet be closed.

The inner child is giddy, the grown woman is cautious.

I am thankful for so much.

The timing of this.

Who my bio mom is.

Who my adopted parents are.

The support from friends.

The answers.

The start of healing.

The discoveries.

The hope.

THERES A HEART IN HERE!

When we look at others to we see their heart?  We all have scars, "muck" from choices, from experiences, but there is still a heart in there. 

When people have disregard for another's heart, it's hard for me to process.

Recently, I met my biological siblings.

This was arranged by birth mom as a way for me to "meet my kids before you meet their aunts and uncles".  This was how the meeting was presented to me and how it was planned for.

I need to back up just a bit though, before I take you down this road with me.

There have been parts of my story that I have left untold out of respect to my birth mom and out of the potential of a relationship with her.

I only shared the parts that could show her in a positive light, just in case she ever met my friends or family members... they needed to meet her without feeling negatively towards her.

Now that my birth mom has made it abundantly clear that I am not wanted, respected or welcome to have any part in her life, there is no need to hide any parts of my story.

I will still blog only the basics as I have no desire to be cruel.

After our initial meeting, she said it was too difficult for her to handle a relationship with me. 

I told her I never meant to hurt her and didn't want her to continue something that was painful for her. She took the "out" I offered and we said our goodbyes.

I thanked her for meeting me and thanked her for the information she had shared.

I started to grieve "what might have been".

I hurt with the feeling of being rejected, but worked through it understanding that it was simply too hard for her. 

It wasn't easy to accept that she couldn't work past something that happened over 30 years ago long enough to see that I was the good thing to come from a difficult experience, but I worked to realize that I couldn't understand her sorrow anymore than she could understand mine.

I was just starting to breath again when birth mom contacted me.

I realize as I am blogging this, there is SO much I haven't shared.

There were events that happened when we met in person, conversations that hurt me so deeply, accusation towards me... so much I was working to get past when she contacted me again.

Looking back, I am annoyed with myself for being so quick to engage with her again. But I was ever hopeful, and a relationship of some sort with biological family was of COURSE something a part of me wanted.

I was eager to forgive and move on.

I even used the words "clean slate" in my correspondence with her.

The "clean slate" seemed to be working. 
I tried to assume positive intent with her words to me, and asked for her to do the same in return. 
There were gifts exchanged at birthdays, Christmas and random emails over the months.

Fast forward to present day, the evening she planned for me to meet her kids and them to meet my husband and kids. A few weeks before we were to head down to meet them all, she emailed me to let me know that she had met with her brother and he didn't think it was a good idea to meet me for now. (She had started planning a reunion for all extended family the following July so I could meet them all and they could all meet me and my family.)  She had said before her kids felt comfortable with this, they "want to meet you and know you before you meet extended family".  Now, she sends me this email with those words from her brother.

It hurt, that email. But I tried to stick to my promise of "always assume positive intent" and hoped that the "for now" was true and they all just needed more time. 

I sent her an email before we went down there asking if everything was okay between us because of her brother's view on meeting me and just a feeling I had that something was a little "off".

She wrote back and said " I don't know if you are over thinking, but there is nothing wrong here.  We are looking forward to our September visit.  Nothing wrong.  Excited to meet your precious little ones."  So I figured I was over thinking things. I have been known to do that.

As the dinner gets closer, I get butterflies. I hadn't initially wanted this meeting, her children had hurt me a year ago, but she had made it clear this was what they needed for anything further to happen. I decide to go in there with clean slate, open minded and cautious.

We have dinner with bio siblings and their spouses.

It went lovely.

We had several interests in common, conversation flowed easily.

They seemed genuinely kind and sincere.

This hurts just to type, because I am reliving how dumbfounded I was to learn it was all a lie.

I went down there nervous and cautious. As the dinner progressed, I felt something I hadn't felt for a long time regarding biological siblings.

I felt hope.

I was a little timid and more reserved that I typically am throughout the dinner, feeling an overwhelming array of emotions. My daughter kept hugging my arm, picking up on those emotions and also sharing in the hope I was feeling that I hadn't expected.

My first impressions of biological siblings, based off of what birth mom had said about them, had led me to believe I wouldn't like them at all. Being with them, their seeming interest in our kids, in my husband, in me... it seemed so sincere, so real, I end up LIKING them. This still kills me that it appears that it was fake. That it was a facade.

After dinner, we went outside to a porch at the restaurant and I was taking pictures of my kids on these saddles and horses. I was hoping for photos with bio sibs and bio mom but it became clear quickly that this was not going to happen.

Bio mom takes me aside and says "I wanted to say this to your face, because a lot of things can get lost in email. A relationship is not going to happen."   As soon as those words leave her lips, my head starts spinning. I feel nauseous as I realize where this is going.... she is telling me she doesn't want any further contact with me. 
I don't even hear all her words, just bits and pieces, my son hollers for me to see him riding this horse with no hands, I give a thumbs up and turn back to her. I am feeling intense pain and just want to flee. I just want to scream GET ME OUT OF HERE! 
Her face is hard, her eyes cold and some of what comes through the fog isn't kind.

I will myself to not cry in front of her...

The intense pain I felt in my chest along with the extreme effort it took to not let tears fall in front of her, affected every single fiber in my body.

I wish I could have willed myself to actually speak more than the words I did say "well, I guess I appreciate your honesty". I couldn't find words. I couldn't even think straight.

I am broken and hurt, because I realize this was her plan.  
Distract my kids, get my husband in a conversation, leaving me vulnerable so she could break my heart, to my face!

My family had no clue, they all thought with how the dinner went and why we were down there, that everything was awesome and we were building a relationship.

I flee as fast as I can. I try to make a beeline for the car. 

As I try to flee, birthmom has already walked off towards their car, but each of my bio sibs and their spouses hug me. 

This is hard to deal with because I genuinely like them, and appreciate it, but my heart is bleeding pain from what just happened.  
They hug my children, high fives and hugs all around, and I am reeling from what just happened, walking away as fast as I can, holding the tears in with all the strength I can summon.

I almost avoid her husband, but he pulls me in and I see it on his face. 
He knows what just happened and he seems sorrowful about it as he hugs me, but I am near panic I MUST GET OUT OF HERE NOW! I will NOT cry in front of them!

I get to our car and my kids and hubby are chattering with excitement at how great these people are they can't wait to see them again... all these wonderful things.... "this was better than expected!"... "didn't think I'd like them that much...".  
I am trying to breath... just breath.  
They drive past our car on their way out and all wave through the window like waving to friends, and I lose it.

"What's wrong mom?" comes from the back seat. 

That sweet voice, this sweet boy picking up that something isn't right is my final undoing. 

I am full on crying now.

WHY?! 

What was the point?  Why did she have my family come down to her turf just to break my heart? 

WHY? 

Why did she have to come back in my life when I had grieved her leaving me, AGAIN, just to have her get me down there, show me more of my biological family and then tell me not to contact her?

WHY?! 

Why act like she cared for me, for my family, when she clearly felt so much resentment towards me?

The hurt was so intense, it was a physical pain in my chest, down my arms.

I felt sick to my stomach and completely broken.

How could she not see there was a heart in here? 

I had kept excusing her for hurting me over and over, for over a year, because I saw there was a heart in the muck when I looked at her.... why she couldn't see mine and the scars she put there, I'll never understand.

To be honest, I am struggling to see her heart through the muck now.... I will seek strength to see it again.

All 3 members of my sweet little family felt that there was no way the bio sibs were in on it.. "They were too nice, they really liked us..." so on and so forth. I didn't want to believe it either.

I wish this was all to this story, but there is more.

BROKEN BUT NOT DESTROYED

After my heart was broken by my birth mom after a meeting set up under false pretense, hope dangled and taken away... I struggled to breathe.

I left feeling battered, bruised and broken. 

I was engulfed in love from my husband, my kids and the dear family we were staying with down there in the city we met bio sibs in.

The thing that is hard about life is, just like if you coordinate an event, and hundreds of people thank you for it and say you did a great job, the ones who complained about it or yelled at you for something, are the words you hear when you lay down at night.

It's the same with this.

I have a multitude of people who would fight for me, love me fiercely, more than I deserve, and yet, despite all that, all I could feel was the pain of being discarded. 
Treated like a burden, hindrance, unwanted.

I am a strong person.

I have endured a lot of things that most people wouldn't even know about me.

I never cave, break down... but this has done me in.

I left off in my last blog post that I wished that was the end of the story, but it's not.

We flew home.

I didn't sleep.

I was exhausted and just hurting.

Not just emotionally, but physically hurting.

We flew home on a Sunday and that night I was convinced I was having a heart attack, the pain was so intense and so overwhelming.

I have since learned I have been having anxiety attacks or panic attacks.

Monday, Brent and I were trying to decide if we should reach out to bio sibs or not. 
He wanted to friend request them on facebook, but I wasn't sure it was a good idea.

They seemed so kind and genuine to us at the dinner, but where did they really stand? Was there a silver lining to be had here?

I truly appreciated that they took time to meet us, especially those who had to fly to the city to meet us, that took time, money and effort and I appreciated it.

Birth mom had made it clear she didn't want a relationship with me, but I didn't know where bio siblings stood and since they are adults, thought they could make that decision for themselves. At least that's what I thought.

I messaged them and thanked them for meeting us. I also left the door open should they ever want a dialog down the road, not knowing where we go from here.

Tuesday night my birth mom calls me.

Due to the time difference, I know that it is after 10PM her time.

I worry something is wrong but am unable to answer my phone at that time so I text her.

This is when she really gives it to me. 

Through text messages, she attacked me for "disrespecting" her children and her boundary by reaching out to them. 

Really? 

I never needed her permission to reach out to biological family.

I had respected her wishes up to that point, because I was trying to have a relationship with HER! 

Now that she wrote me off, I left it up to them.

I had thought they were sincere in their interest and seeming kindness to us, but this response showed me that they were just playing the part for her for this one dinner.

I replied that I didn't think it was disrespectful to thank someone for meeting me for dinner. I told her it was cruel to do that to me and my family. Getting us there under false pretense, just to break my heart.

I then got more texts 2 hours later, was awakened the next morning to more texts and then received one more set of messages after I got to work.

She told me her kids "never wanted to meet you, the only did it for me".... she said I was a dangerous person because I lie to myself about my motives... so many other things, some of them vile.

You know how sometimes people can say things and you question yourself "did I come across that way?!" and reflect and sometimes find you need to apologize?

Her words were so venomous, and so far from the truth, that I couldn't even search for a way to understand how she got to where she was feeling.

Even though it was completely irrational and untrue, it HURT.

The hurt was SO intense... each set of her words, on that little tiny screen of my phone were like knife wounds to the heart.

Even though my mind understands there's no merit to what she said, my heart hasn't caught up to that knowledge yet.

The realization that her children were a part of the façade... that the whole plan for us coming down there to meet them, was all a lie. 
The way they reeled my children in, broke our hearts, is still something that is affecting us all.

I am broken, and after the year we have already had... I feel almost defeated. But I have a faith that keeps me, family that love me, friends that encourage me and I KNOW I am NOT destroyed. 

I will heal.

I will rise above this.

Right now it feels impossible, and I am dismayed at the ways my body is betraying me and breaking down. 
This is new.

I have always been strong, independent and an overcomer, but this, this is "the straw that broke the camel's back" and it's going to take some time.

The physical pains are wearing me down and I am weary, I am broken, but I am not destroyed.

There is much more to my story, but it hurts too much to go into.

This is a little update for those of you who have followed my adoption story and biological family search.

While I don't have anything positive on the maternal side, that was stopped by birthmom, I do have some updates from paternal side.

Before things went bad with birthmom, I had no desire to pursue birthfather or family.  After things went so sour and my heart ended up so broken, I started to question why she was how she was to me. Maybe her story wasn't true.

I had been contacted by some DNA matches (through Ancestry DNA and 23andme) that were from paternal side and I decided to allow them to progress naturally.

It was crazy, these were matches in the 2nd - 3rd cousin range.
They were still anxious to find out where I fit into their family.

After all I had gone through with Birthmom, I was very cautious, I didn't want to be set up to be hurt again, I knew I couldn't take it, that pain was still too fresh from birthmom experience.

Interestingly enough, as I was matched to more and more, there were a few who took an interest in me and my story and wanted to help me solve this part of who I am.
They spent hours.
They communicated with me and always answered when I found a new lead that I needed clarification on.
I couldn't believe that they WANTED me in their life, even in a small way.
I was overwhelmed with their kindness, persistence and desire to welcome me in to the family, no matter how distantly we were related.

It was a little overwhelming, the emotional response in me to this completely opposite response from these newfound relatives versus birth mom side.

There was this acceptance and care almost immediately and it took me by surprise.

I am so grateful for those who welcomed me.
I think of them as my "Aunts" even though they are more like cousins removed once or twice.
They are still invested in me and my journey and love that we are connected by genetics/DNA.
This touches my heart and humbles me.

As I am typing this, I am closing in on who birthfather is and I am filled with more hope than I ever anticipated.

It's scary, the last time I was here, it resulted in a devastating heartbreak and deep rejection.

For a chapter I never originally planned on opening, I'm sure enjoying the pages I've read so far. I am going to have to see this one through to it's conclusion. My story of discovery of my roots.

This response of being wanted is so healing, so overwhelming and so unexpected, I am still processing.

Thank you for walking alongside me on this journey. I am excited for what lies ahead and look forward to being able to share more.

This is all for now.

Loving the View
The rainbow comes after the storm.

Sometimes the valley experience must be endured before the mountaintop moment is ours.

During the struggle, it is often difficult to understand the "why". 

During the storm, it's easy to want to give up. 

During the climb, the negative voices can seem like the most powerful thing we hear.

I'm currently enjoying a mountaintop experience and the view from here is so breathtaking, so full of hope and joy, I am bursting with it.

The journey to get here, hasn't been easy. 

In fact, it was so difficult at times, it shattered parts of me.

As I find myself here, I am amazed at how quickly healing is coming to those shattered parts.

To be given an answer of "why" is incredible. 

We don't always get to know the "why" for things that happen. 

This particular experience has given me a "why" and I am beyond thankful.

To reach a point where the storm doesn't control you anymore, where the hurt begins to fade, is the point our hearts begin to mend.

That's where I am now.

I wish I could fully understand all that I feel so I could articulate it all. 

I wish I could make it clear, how much those who held out a hand, shared words of encouragement, cried with me, mean to me. How instrumental they were in helping me get to this point.

The view here is one of hope and it's the most incredible gift I have been given and have not earned. 

I feel unworthy.

I feel thankful.

I feel like I want to keep this view forever.

All the tears before now were painful, but worth it. 

Now there are tears of all-consuming joy.

I can't believe I'm here. 

I can't believe this is real.

I'm just loving this view.... so much.

The rainbow appears after a storm.

I recently endured a storm of my own and found an unexpected pot of gold at the end.

At the age of 3 days, I was taken home by a young couple who had been told they couldn't have children of their own.
They were so happy with this opportunity to raise a baby girl and couldn't wait to officially adopt her.

A few months later, they found out they were expecting! My sister was born 14 months after I was.

From the very beginning, my parents didn't try to hide the fact that I was adopted, they were honest from the start and this is something I believe VERY strongly should be done in every scenario of adoption. There is a whole book that could be written about why, but that's for a different day.

Today, I want to write about my pot of gold.

A few years ago I began a serious search for biological family.

I have always been driven to find out this part of who I am, but hadn't pursued it obsessively until a few years ago.

Through Ancestry DNA, and research, I was able to find out who my birthmother was.
I always thought this would be the obvious positive interaction and connection, so it seemed more exciting than scary to reach out to her.
There were of course things that made me nervous and cautious, but overall, I was just excited to connect with this part of who I am.

Unfortunately, the experience was a full on storm.
I left an almost 2 year interaction with her, battered and broken.

I still couldn't let it go.
It was an almost obsessive need.

There was this drive inside me.
I started researching my paternal side.
I spent hours and hours on it.
I chased so many dead ends I couldn't even tell how many there were at this point.
I decided to submit my DNA to 23andme so I had access to more matches to hopefully help narrow down who my birthfather was.

In this process, I was connected with some distant cousins who wanted to help.
They were so anxious to welcome me into their family even though we weren't closely related, I was overwhelmed with their kindness and this new feeling of acceptance.

This is the moment the sun started to shine through the rain and the rainbow started to emerge.

After a LOT of research, and time spent following dead ends, I suddenly found myself looking at a face of a man in a picture that stopped me in my core. I saw MY eyes on this man!

BUT, I didn't know for sure.
I also wanted it so badly that I second guessed myself, was this even possible?
Was I just seeing it because I wanted to?
Was I seeing something that wasn't actually there?

After more research and nerves, I decided to try and reach out to him.
He either was my birthfather, my brother, or my uncle.
I didn't know which, but I had narrowed things down enough to know we had to be connected that closely.

All I knew was, I couldn't let it go.

I will never forget the moment he responded to me.

I will never forget the feeling of him WANTING ME to be his daughter, before we even had any proof. The healing in that moment was when the rainbow showed all it's vivid colors!

Did I dare HOPE for a pot of gold at the end?

Could it even be a possibility?

Correspondence over the next days, research and many other details that don't matter, we decided to prove it with a test.

It was almost torturous to wait for the test results. My heart was so full of HOPE!

That rainbow was shining with all it's glory now, the storm becoming a memory.

Alas, the moment came when we knew scientifically what our hearts already knew.

This man, who wanted me, accepted me, and already cared for me, was my biological father!

Learning and knowing, completely, that had he been given the opportunity, he would have been in my life from the beginning..... This was a gift for my heart.

The first opportunity to meet one another face to face, we took.

When this man walked towards me in person for the first time, I was consumed with an overwhelming intense joy.

I was just SO HAPPY!

There was an assumption that it would be this emotional moment, and in a way it still was, but I just couldn't stop smiling! My pot of gold EXISTS!

We had a few days together (not enough), where he got to know my family and we got to know him.

How incredible to finally physically be near someone who, from a logical standpoint was a stranger, but whom my heart knew and recognized, and already loved.

To look in a face that had my same eyes and see those eyes looking back with love FOR me in them? I can't pretend to describe how that feels.

The immense healing that is taking place in my heart since meeting him, being near him, is something I couldn't have anticipated.

He is my pot of gold at the end of the rainbow after an intense and difficult storm.

He is the "why" to my reason to pursue.

He is what makes all the pain endured previously worth it.

He is the hope that is healing many of my broken bits.

I am extremely thankful we have found each other and am so hopeful I can bring even half as much joy to his life as he has already brought to mine.