Reenie's Ramblings

 I just wanted to stare. This face that was so familiar, but so new. The face of someone I loved, but hadn't seen in person before. A face I had seen via video calls, interviews and photos. I wanted to listen to the voice, the one I had heard over the phone, in videos and zoom calls. I wanted to be close, as close as possible to this person who shared DNA with me. This person who shared similar trauma, struggles and victories. The strong draw to him, and the nerves surrounding this meaningful moment, caused a wave of emotion. This face, this voice, this heart, they belonged to my brother. A person I had dreamed about when I was a young girl. A person I felt guilty for wishing for. This meeting that we had wanted to coordinate for a few years, had finally happened and it was so brief, it still breaks my heart it wasn't longer. I left that beautiful weekend replaying it all in my mind, revisiting previous correspondence and dreaming of future moments we would share. I reflected o...

  Prologue There is something that is sacred about rambling. No demand of a destination or deadline, just the courage to wander and the wisdom to listen when life whispers its secrets. That’s what Reenie would say, or at least think, as she scribbled her thoughts onto a napkin at the coffee shop, her words weaving their way into the hearts of her readers. Today’s story wasn’t hers, but it was one she might tell, if only to remind us that the road less traveled isn’t always paved, but it’s always worth walking down.  -----   The Call of Somewhere Else Ellie Marlow didn’t plan on getting lost. She wasn’t the type to get lost. Her planner set perpetually color-coded; her sock drawer, neatly arranged by shades of white, gray and black. She wasn’t one to get lost or even proceed anywhere without a plan. She had a system for everything: meal prepping, grocery shopping, even “spontaneous outings”, which she scheduled bi-weekly. Somewhere between turning 40...

Sometimes, we imagine that being in a different location will transform us, but the truth is, no matter where we go, we carry who we are with us. While change can certainly lead to growth, our core selves remain the same. We recently returned from an incredible trip to Europe, and this realization struck me. As a family, we were no different in France or Italy than we are at home. My husband still wore his Carhartt shirts, baseball cap, and comfy pants. My son still had his music playing in at least one ear and was calm about everything. My daughter was still stressed about catching up on her schoolwork or practicing her upcoming solos, and I still found it hard to completely relax. My husband still tried to sabotage every photo opportunity, inspiring the kids to do the same.  The same insecurities I felt at home, I felt on this trip. I still preferred flip flips for walking over other more "practical" shoes and ended up wearing them the majority of the time. (Despite the ver...

 A little over a year ago, I made an intentional decision to give meaningful effort and energy to people who meant a lot to me. I was changing jobs and was going to be seeing some of these people less and was feeling that in a big way. I invited them to my home for a fun gathering.  I wrote a personalized message to each of them sharing what they meant to me, and gave it with a small gift. Following that, I made efforts to reach out, dropping gifts by their homes, sending notes, texts, flowers etc. Then I gradually eased off, seeing who responded. The majority didn't.  While this was to be expected, it was also disappointing. During this time, I started building new relationships. Then, a big unexpected move happened. Again, it was going to change who I saw on the regular basis. I wanted to keep connection.  I wanted them in my life.  So I wrote, texted, sent gifts, etc. Some responded, some reciprocated, but most didn't. And then it hit me. If I am doing these ...

When something is reciprocated, it does a multitude of things for us. When love, gifts, efforts, words, actions, are reciprocated, it's like validation that they were given to the right person. We all have experienced opening our hearts to someone only to have them either reject it or just not give theirs back. That always hurts. I have been thinking lately about relationships in which the sharing and loving isn't balanced. I am a person who loves quickly and genuinely cares about people after not much time with them. Even though this is who I am, there is still a hesitation to share all of my heart. This heart of mine has been battered a few too many times.  This means that when I do share my heart, it is not flippantly. Sharing all of me, is an intensely vulnerable thing and comes at a cost.  When it seems it is reciprocated, and the  person shares theirs back, it means the world.  I have had this happen, only to discover later, that that's not how they saw it. Th...

 If ever there was a time when we needed to be brave, it is now. If ever there was a time to be bold, it is now. If ever there was time to listen, it is now. If ever there was a time to look upward instead of around, it is now. If ever there was a time to encourage, it is now. If ever there was a time to be sensitive, it is now. If ever there was time for the hard conversations, it is now. We cannot wait for when it feels easy or comfortable.  That is pointless and a waste. The time is now. We could so easily become discouraged or bitter, but the time to dig deep and stand up for what is right is now. There is no other time. If change is needed, help be the change. If kindness is needed, be kind. If a bridge is what is needed, build the bridge. If compassion is needed, show compassion. The time for courage and conviction-turned-to-action, is now. The world is full of what can discourage, hurt and harm, but we cannot let those parts win.  The time to unite, to face things ...

 Have you ever had moments where you feel something so strongly that your brain argues with it? Like maybe your feelings are hurt deeply even thought logically you understand you shouldn't feel hurt? Those who feel things deeply sometimes face this more frequently and it can be exhausting. One of the most important things is to realize that what people feel is real, even if the reasoning isn't. What we feel can be powerful and consuming, and even if it doesn't always seem rational, it's still felt. May we remember this and be able to show compassion to those who are hurting, even if why they're hurting doesn't make sense to us.  Trust that their pain is real and the best role to fill is to be a support and encouragement, rather than trying to force logic into a situation it doesn't exist. You do not have to understand someone's loss, pain, or suffering to be kind and supportive to them. I have had many moments in my life where I felt things intensely and...

They were just starting out, hopeful for the future and finding their place in the world. He pursued a new career due to financial needs, so did she. It may have seemed a coincidence that his work connected him with Patti and hers did too. But it wasn’t. They both enjoyed her and she seemed to enjoy them. There was a connection that maybe at face value didn’t make sense, but was real for all involved. Life takes people on all kinds of paths and all kinds of journeys. After sharing many conversations and moments together, life took them on separating paths. Years passed.  A social media site allowed them to reconnect. In the years that passed, she felt a desire to know who her family was, where she came from etc. She pursued all the avenues she could until she found her birthmom. That experience brought intense pain and trauma for her and her family, but also left her with questions she hadn’t thought about asking before. This may seem a coincidence, but it wasn’t. As she pursued th...

No. One. Cares. Sounds harsh, but it's true in many applications. I recently changed jobs and it has been humbling and eye opening. I worked at a place where I gave so much of my time, my heart and my energy.  I worked on vacations, checked my work email every day no matter what day of the week or where I was, (much to my husband's annoyance and worry). I worried about situations that were beyond my control. I cared about every detail of our employees lives, sometimes losing sleep over their loss, hardships and struggles.   When I left, it was like someone hit me upside the head with the realization that my leaving had little to no impact.  (It's a place I am still involved in but in a small way, so I see how it continues to run.) This is not a pity party at all, it was so good to realize and see first hand, that I was replaceable. Easily. While our lives can have impact day to day and make a difference in the lives we interact with, it's not as big of an impact as w...

 "This too shall pass". This is often said as a way to encourage people going through something difficult. A kind reminder that it won't be this difficult forever, it will pass. Recently I thought of this in a different way. This too shall pass in reference to positive experiences. This may seem heavy or negative, but hear me out. Everything passes. Everything is temporary. What this means to me is that it is imperative that I savor the moments that are blissful. It's important that I cherish the friendships that are meaningful and bring joy. It means that you don't know how long you have what you have, so appreciate it. The good, the bad, the hard,  it shall pass. I look back at times in life that felt like they were taking a long time and the struggles that came with that. They're in the past now. I reflect on relationships I had that were for a season. I didn't know they were just for a season at the time, but that connection has passed. The lesson for ...

After my Dad died, I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't wait to tell people what they meant to me. It seemed that when people die, that's when everyone shares how they've touched their lives. Why not share that when they are alive to hear it? So I wrote a few blogs about a few people and started making an effort to tell people what they meant to me in person or via messages/letters etc. I haven't been as good at that in more recent years but want to get back to it. Recently, someone went "mama bear" on my behalf, and I was overwhelmed with her love and protectiveness of my heart. It is extra sweet because it wasn't always this way. We became connected because I married her brother. In the beginning, she didn't really have much time for me, and I wasn't sure what to think of her. Over the years, experiences brought separation, but then there were experiences that brought us close together. There were moments where we hurt one another, not inte...

 She could feel it. The fading away to nothing. The slipping into the cracks and folds of existence. The weight of it all was so heavy, and she felt her drive and her joy disappearing. Each day she felt pieces of her core being chipped away by the merciless injustice that was pummeling her, over and over again. Everything she had given, everything she had done, didn't seem to matter anymore. Sorrow was a well-known and much-visited friend. Defeat. She never thought she would reach defeat, but here she was, standing at the doorstep of defeat, trying to find the strength to step back from it. Angry. She was so angry that she wasn't strong enough to overcome it all.  Angry that she let those who harmed her have space in her thoughts.  Angry that things beyond her control still hurt her heart. Angry that she couldn't "snap out of it". Angry that she gave to those who didn't care about what was given. Tired. She was so tired, so weary, it was almost a miracle she f...

"Man, sure must be nice!" he said as I left early to head out on a road trip. I bit my tongue and just smiled and continued on my way. "Sure wish I could leave early and go on trips!" In my head I screamed, "You CAN! It's just not a priority to you!" Folks, there's something that has been brewing within me for a while and it's frustration at this idea "must be nice" whenever someone is experiencing something different than you. It IS nice to be able to leave early from work sometimes. It IS nice to go on a road trip. Do you know what it takes to get there? Work. Planning. Sometimes it means sacrificing for a long time first. If you aren't willing for those things, you probably won't experience the perks. Sometimes it is discouraging how little people see of the work it takes to reach something. Leave work early on a friday, receive comments. Those same people commenting didn't see you working an extra 3 hours monday evenin...

 At three days old, I was abandoned.  Discarded. Cast aside. Unwanted. This is true. This is how my story began. My birthmother didn't want me and gave me up. At three days old, I was adopted. Chosen. Wanted. Loved. This is true. This is how my story began.  My parents were told they couldn't have kids due to some medical issues. They chose to adopt, and when they got the call I was born, they were happy and excited to pick up this brand new baby girl! What we focus on in life, effects our perspective and attitude. It can affect our relationships, success and health. I could have spent my entire childhood, focused on being discarded, worthless, unwanted. Instead, a good portion of the time I chose to think I had been chosen and this made me special.  This isn't to say I didn't have struggles with those feelings of abandonment from biological family, I definitely did. I also had struggles with trust and extreme vulnerability in relationships. But it wasn't my focus s...

"Want my lemon?" He used to always ask this when his iced tea came with lemon.  He doesn't like it, but I love lemon in my water. "Want my sour cream?" He doesn't like sour cream, and when it came on a dish he had ordered, he would ask if I wanted it. The other day, we were at a restaurant and I had to go to the bathroom. When I came back to the table, I noticed in my absence, he had put his lemon in my water and sour cream on my enchiladas. No longer any need to ask.  He knows me that well. When you are married a long time, there is a comfortable-ness that happens.  Sometimes this feels like something to be sad about, like your relationship has become almost boring. There is an excitement in the beginning of any new relationship that is special. Learning all about a new person, having them care to learn about you, is special and fun! Sometimes, when watching a romantic scene or movie, there is this thought, "I miss those days of butterflies and new rom...

"I am strong.  I endure.  I overcome. "Anxiety Issues" do not apply to me!" I had misconceptions about the word "anxiety". It's true, it can mean simply worrying about things beyond one's control. But extreme anxiety as a response to trauma or stress, is so much more than that. As a person who has prided herself on perseverance and being strong, my first anxiety attack caught me off guard and stung my pride... a lot. I had just gone through an extremely difficult and emotionally traumatic experience, so not sleeping made sense to me. The pain in my chest, inability to breathe, and numbness didn't make sense to me. I had a few of them in the days following the experience, but eventually they went away. A few years passed and I felt I had left that all behind me. I truly thought it would be an isolated experience due to the trauma. I was wrong. Recently, after growing stress from my job, and let's face it, the year 2020, I felt my ability t...

 Do we automatically assume the worst? When you see a family gathering, during a pandemic, do you automatically assume they don't care about the health of others? As a teacher, when a student completely fails a test, do you automatically assume the student didn't try? If you see someone who has gained a lot of weight, do you automatically assume they are "letting themselves go" or that they are eating too much and being lazy? If someone interrupts a lot, do you automatically assume they are rude? What if instead, we realized two things: 1. It's usually not our business anyway, so why assume anything; and 2. Most of the time, our assumptions are wrong. The family gathering from multiple destinations all got tested before they gathered. The student who failed the test was too afraid to ask for help with the concepts and simply didn't get it. The person who has gained a lot of weight has a major health issue going on that causes immense swelling and inflammation....

  You’ve already done it twice. You worked hard, did your best and you still don’t understand it. You have to try again even though you’re discouraged and feel overwhelmed and alone. You try again. You barely pass. You feel relief for just a moment, happy to finally have passed. Then you see what is left to do.  You feel like quitting.  You take a deep breath, start the next portion of what is required, and the internet drops.   Tears fill the corners of your eyes. This happens over and over again. You are a remote learning student during 2020.  No fun with your friends, no extracurricular or after school programs. Your parents are frustrated, your teachers are frustrated, you feel like you are letting everyone down and wonder “what’s the point?”.  As soon as you get the routine down, think you have it figured out, your teacher sends you correspondence after you’ve completed your work and have logged off and don’t see it until the following day. Now that ...

 Some years ago, a close friend of mine lost her husband in a tragic accident. I was able to fly down and be with her during the planning for the funeral, and a few days afterward. A while after I had been back home, it was laid on my heart to send her some "just thinking of you" flowers. When I picked the delivery date, it was the earliest option available.  When she received them, she let me know right away how touched she was I remembered it was his birthday. My heart stopped for a second. I hadn't remembered his birthday.  I am embarrassed to admit, I had never really known his birthday, facebook had always reminded me. I truly didn't know. I had been moved to send flowers and I did it. It ended up being delivered on a meaningful day. How often are we prompted to do something in our hearts that doesn't seem to have a specific reason? I know it has happened to me several times. Often, it ends up being a moment like this one with the flowers.  Meaningful, and fo...

We just assumed. We assumed we had time. We had no reason to think we didn't. Then it was over. Final. Ended. A life we loved. And all we wanted was more time. Just another moment. A hug. A word. We thought of everything we would say if given the chance to say it. It's easy to treat everything as ordinary. It's easy to go through the motions of life. It's easy to overlook precious moments. It's normal to expect tomorrow. But the the truth is, all we have is today. Yesterday, we thought we had tomorrow. Then we felt tremendous sorrow. We didn't know we had just moments left. Then you left us and we wept. So much sorrow, so much deep pain. Our wish for more time, made in vain. Yesterday we had just one, a day with you, and now it's done. We have this moment, just the present. Must be careful how it's spent.